Out with the old, in with the new!

A few nights ago, a relative said to me "So I guess 2009 was a good year for you, huh?" I suppose he we was referring to my pregnancy, but his comment got me thinking about this past year and what it has meant to me. Of course the last 9 weeks have been filled with a terrifying joy, but what about the rest of the year?

We started 2009 with such huge hope. All the testing had come back normal, xrays and surgeries showed open tubes and a clean uterus, and we were ready to get back on the train. After all, the problem hadn't been getting pregnant, it was staying pregnant. We felt confident that within a month or two, we would be rolling again. You all know how the story went, so no, that is not exactly what happened.

January through May were horrible months spent obsessing way too much on something that never worked out. If you have seen the cliches in movies or books about a woman forcing her husband to hurry home because she is ovulating that day and needs to have sex...well that was me. In hindsight, the desperation was not helping anyone. I understand that now and I understood it then to a certain extent. But if you are TRYING to get pregnant, you HAVE to know which days are your most fertile days and make the most of them, otherwise you will never achieve it.

So on top of the monthly rituals of obsession, hope and ultimate disappointment...throw into the mix the fact that as of end of January/early February, I should have been holding a baby in my arms instead of going through the monthly torture cycle. My first baby's due date was January 30. I do believe that on or very near that date was my first of many BFNs. And sprinkle on top the fact that a close and very dear friend did NOT lose her baby, and delivered an adorable little boy mid-February. It was a super-human challenge to be with her through her pregnancy and then watch the joy that he brought to her and her husband, knowing that we could have been right there through it together and our babies could have become BFFs :)

So no, 2009 was not a great year for me.

But there were some positives and i will end this long-ass post on that note.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my husband and I were meant to be together. The challenges we have been forced to face have made us into an even stronger team. Through the adversity, we learned that we need to turn to each other rather than suffer alone. We were a strong team to begin with, and we are a stronger team now. Parenthood will not be easy, but we are ready for this next shared project and know we will be better at it thanks to the strong bond that infertility forced us to create.

We have been blessed with amazing support from our families. This summer's vacation to Ireland was incredible, not just for the beautiful landscapes and cheery Irish culture, but because we left all our worries behind and had a great time with family. Parents, sisters, brothers...we can't wait for you to share your love with our little blueberry.

I've learned that i am strong. Which I already knew thanks to other unfairnesses that have been thrown at me in life. But the other events were me dealing with crappy things that happened to other people I loved. This was me dealing with crappy things happening to me. And many days I cried over why did i have to always be strong, but at the end of the day i pushed through.

I discovered yoga, started teaching a new grade level, worked on my cute little house, got my body healthier through some weight loss, smothered my little Halley with love, celebrated my 5th anniversary, danced my bootie off at many Phish shows with old friends, discovered half-price wine night at Silverados :), joined an all-women fantasy football league, and opened up my heart to all of you through this blog. Thanks for being with me on this journey! Happy 2010 to you all!