a good day!

It is 6:05 pm. Here is what is usually happening with me at this time: I am so exhausted I am ready to retire for the night, I am so nauseous that nothing sounds good for dinner, I am devoid of all motivation to do anything except lay on the couch. But not today! Today I am upright, entertaining dinner options and just now starting to feel tired from my day. Dare I say I am turning a corner? I even went to the grocery store after school! (sidenote: do not go to Trader Joe's on the first day you are feeling well. i bought way too many unneeded items! but everything just sounded so darn good i couldn't resist...)

Cravings are CRAZY!

Here is the latest photo of Baby Lowe! S/he is 11 weeks 3 days in this picture. Yesterday we had an NT scan, where basically they are taking measurements of the baby's neck to see if it appears to be at risk for Down's syndrome. Baby checked out perfectly! On the left you can see his little face and ear. In the middle those little white spots are fingertips, and on the right that white blob is his foot hanging out up in the air. What a cutie!

Yes, i am referring to the baby as a boy. With zero evidence, just a hunch. We won't find out that information for another 2 months. My latest nickname for him is Mike Jr. That is definitely NOT going to be the name we go with, just something that makes me laugh!

As i progress through pregnancy, it's been funny to me the different foods I've been craving. At first it was all dairy: cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese. Then the thought of dairy made me want to yak, but anything citrus was hitting the spot. Yesterday I started craving sweets like crazy. As a chocolate lover, this is not really new, but the difference being all i want is ooey, gooey caramely stuff. So bizarre.

Heartbeat, sweet heartbeat!

This morning we had an appointment at the OB and we were able to hear the baby's heart beating! We had previously SEEN the heart beating on ultrasound, but today they used a Doppler machine so that we could HEAR it! It took a little bit to find, which definitely frightened me a little, but it turns out that the nurse needed to put the instrument a little lower on my belly and then it came up right away. It was a beautiful sound! I had asked M to record video on his phone so we could play it back...but we were a little overwhelmed and it never happened. Also, the nurse didn't tell me what the heartrate was and I didn't think to ask. I was just on cloud nine breathing a huge sigh of relief.

I had made a promise to myself that if everything went well today I would do my best to start believing in this little guy and stop assuming that something is going to go wrong to take it all away from us. So today is the first day of my new optimistic attitude. Baby Lowe is not going anywhere! This is the one that was meant to be. In August I will be holding this baby in my arms, not just in my heart.

10 weeks!

Yesterday I officially hit the 10 week mark! I love reaching each new milestone. As of yesterday, I am done with taking estrogen each morning and my lovely twice-daily progesterone suppository. Definitely won't miss those!

Things are starting to feel more real, but I still haven't eliminated the doubt that exists in the back of my mind. When will I ever relax about everything? Don't get me wrong: i am NOT constantly stressing, and i AM appreciating and loving every day that I am pregnant. But I do have moments where I am convinced that we've had our share of good news and it's now time to return to the same-old, same-old routine of finding out that things aren't going well. I will feel a lot better after our next appointment (Jan. 18, just after 11 weeks) when we will get to hear the heartbeat and get reassurance that little baby Lowe is still alive and well.

Out with the old, in with the new!

A few nights ago, a relative said to me "So I guess 2009 was a good year for you, huh?" I suppose he we was referring to my pregnancy, but his comment got me thinking about this past year and what it has meant to me. Of course the last 9 weeks have been filled with a terrifying joy, but what about the rest of the year?

We started 2009 with such huge hope. All the testing had come back normal, xrays and surgeries showed open tubes and a clean uterus, and we were ready to get back on the train. After all, the problem hadn't been getting pregnant, it was staying pregnant. We felt confident that within a month or two, we would be rolling again. You all know how the story went, so no, that is not exactly what happened.

January through May were horrible months spent obsessing way too much on something that never worked out. If you have seen the cliches in movies or books about a woman forcing her husband to hurry home because she is ovulating that day and needs to have sex...well that was me. In hindsight, the desperation was not helping anyone. I understand that now and I understood it then to a certain extent. But if you are TRYING to get pregnant, you HAVE to know which days are your most fertile days and make the most of them, otherwise you will never achieve it.

So on top of the monthly rituals of obsession, hope and ultimate disappointment...throw into the mix the fact that as of end of January/early February, I should have been holding a baby in my arms instead of going through the monthly torture cycle. My first baby's due date was January 30. I do believe that on or very near that date was my first of many BFNs. And sprinkle on top the fact that a close and very dear friend did NOT lose her baby, and delivered an adorable little boy mid-February. It was a super-human challenge to be with her through her pregnancy and then watch the joy that he brought to her and her husband, knowing that we could have been right there through it together and our babies could have become BFFs :)

So no, 2009 was not a great year for me.

But there were some positives and i will end this long-ass post on that note.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my husband and I were meant to be together. The challenges we have been forced to face have made us into an even stronger team. Through the adversity, we learned that we need to turn to each other rather than suffer alone. We were a strong team to begin with, and we are a stronger team now. Parenthood will not be easy, but we are ready for this next shared project and know we will be better at it thanks to the strong bond that infertility forced us to create.

We have been blessed with amazing support from our families. This summer's vacation to Ireland was incredible, not just for the beautiful landscapes and cheery Irish culture, but because we left all our worries behind and had a great time with family. Parents, sisters, brothers...we can't wait for you to share your love with our little blueberry.

I've learned that i am strong. Which I already knew thanks to other unfairnesses that have been thrown at me in life. But the other events were me dealing with crappy things that happened to other people I loved. This was me dealing with crappy things happening to me. And many days I cried over why did i have to always be strong, but at the end of the day i pushed through.

I discovered yoga, started teaching a new grade level, worked on my cute little house, got my body healthier through some weight loss, smothered my little Halley with love, celebrated my 5th anniversary, danced my bootie off at many Phish shows with old friends, discovered half-price wine night at Silverados :), joined an all-women fantasy football league, and opened up my heart to all of you through this blog. Thanks for being with me on this journey! Happy 2010 to you all!

Another great appointment!

Despite everything in the DC area being shut down for the snowstorm aftermath, life goes on as normal at Shady Grove (our fertility center). So luckily we were able to proceed with our scheduled ultrasound! The baby is still growing on track and the heartbeat has strengthened to 148 bpm (beats per min, i think). The RE i saw was asking about whether i had made an appointment with my OB, and when i told him that it wasn't until Jan. 6, he said "Then why don't we get you in here in another week or so just so you can be reassured that everything is still going well?" If my legs weren't up in stirrups I would have jumped up and hugged him! I really appreciated his sensitivity to our situation. So technically I didn't graduate today, but i'm OK with that if it means another sneak peek at our little blueberry growing in there!

Here s/he is sitting comfortably inside me. The ultrasound tech put those labels on...tush was not my choice of wording!

The white blip is where the heartbeat was detected!

Between this and school being cancelled this week for snow, I am one happy camper! :)

Hello from the snow

7 weeks! I am unchartered territory. Here are some FAQ I've been getting:

How are you feeling?
Most of my symptoms have been pretty mild. No puking yet, though I've definitely been experiencing intense nausea at times. I've had major cravings for all things dairy! And boy, am I exhausted!
What's next?
My next appointment is on Monday. I'll have another ultrasound, and assuming all looks good I "graduate" back to my OB and say adios to the fertility clinic! My first appointment with my OB is not until January 6. Glad to have the holidays and New Years Eve to keep my mind off of the loooooooong time in between appointments!
When is your due date?
August 6, 2010!

Happy Friday!!!!!!!!

1 baby!

With a heartbeat!

We are so relieved to have reached this point. There are still 34 weeks of worrying left, but at least we feel comfortable that whatever caused my 2 losses is likely behind us. Enjoy your weekends!

Trying to relax

Monday's bloodwork showed that the hcg level went up to 4,828! Woo hoo! This has calmed me down a bit but I am still really nervous this week. I keep waiting for something to go wrong, even though there hasn't been any indication that this pregnancy is anything but normal. So I have to keep reminding myself of all the things that are different this time around: I'm taking extra progesterone support, I've been taking baby aspirin for almost a year now, I'm taking extra folic acid because I now know that I have a genetic mutation that interferes with my body's absorption of folic acid, I've been taking prenatal vitamins for over a year...yet I am still on edge. We have our first ultrasound scheduled on Friday at 1:15, which is exactly 6 weeks. Getting through that with good news will be a huge milestone. AND i think we will find out if there is 1 or 2 growing in me!

Taking it one day at a time and, as always, appreciating every day that I get to be pregnant.

Still going strong!

My nurse just called with my second round of bloodwork. The beta (hcg) level went up to 958! They want the number to double over 48 hours and that is triple! I asked if that is because there are 2 growing in there, and she said not necessarily, it just proves that whatever is happening is going strong! Whew!

So what's next? A third round of bloodwork on Monday morning, and then the first ultrasound can be scheduled after 6 weeks, which would be December 11. I'm hoping i can get an appointment for that exact date! The ultrasound should show how many sacs are developing in there.

OK, so two milestones down. BFP: check. Doubling betas: check. Next one: make it past 6 weeks. That is a HUGE one for me. But today I am 4 weeks 6 days pregnant, and all I can do is focus on today!